While everything in the world around me came to a grinding halt, my mind began to roam. While doors shuttered and planes grounded and the world became a mostly virtual interactive sphere, my mind began to question. There is so much about “normal life” that was exhausting, taking a toll and running me down, I was going so fast and never stopping to slow down. I needed this time to get clear and make important decisions. It feels funny to make big life decisions in a time like this, when we don’t know what will happen next. But like so many others, this time of reflection has allowed me to gain perspective on my journey, to realign my priorities, to ask the powerful question “what no longer resonates with me”? This simple question, if I’m honest has changed everything for me over the course of my life. Beginning with my my healing journey, when I decided to open my mind about forgiveness, spirituality and truth beyond what I had been taught. Then next, when I left a sales job that paid the bills but sucked out my very soul. It happened again through a five year relationship with a wonderful human and we said our goodbyes. And it is happening now. I quit my job. I gave notice at my apartment. I’m selling almost everything I own and I am taking a leap.
It sounds crazy, I know. Some would say irresponsible. I’ve learned that when something no longer resonates, the alarm bells continue to get louder and louder and louder until they can no longer be ignored. I believe things have an expiration date, a contract, that becomes fulfilled. We are meant to enter into them for a little while – sometimes for a long while and when the contract is fulfilled – we honor it by letting go and saying goodbye. This has been true for me in relationships, jobs and even versions of myself. A constant, life-long becoming. And I’m learning to recognize with every new life experience what the indicators are when things are “complete”, when it is “my time”. I have been burned out from giving my all to the non-profit world for longer than I care to admit.
When I first heard about Hands of Peace, I almost fell out of my desk chair. It was my “dream job”. For months I had been unemployed, praying daily and asking the universe to bring something into my life that resonated, that I could be passionate about. And the universe delivered. When I was 19, I had volunteered at a refugee camp in Nablus, Palestine and the experience changed my life. It was from there I decided to get my Masters in Conflict Resolution and commit my journey to peace-building. To actually land a job in my field, a big role, with major responsibilities and a mission so inspiring – it felt too good to be true. I was 26, anxious and excited, I laid on the floor of my living room feeling the commitment of what lay before me pressing down upon me. I knew from the moment I signed up it would not be easy. Yet, it called to me and I embarked on this journey and it has been such a gift.
I know it is time to complete this chapter because I have so much gratitude in my heart for the incredible people that my job brought into my life. I have so much love for the kids whose lives and journeys I was blessed to be a part of. I’ve learned so much professionally and I’ve grown in my confidence and ability. There have been frustrations, set-backs, and challenges. There have been beautiful moments, transformations, joys and life-long friendships. I’ve grown into my personal power in big ways over the last few years and learned the importance of boundaries, of giving from a sustaining source. When the gratitude wavers to resentment and burn out, I know it is time. I want to honor the amazing and beautiful experience fully by becoming complete with this chapter in a way that reflects all the wonderful things it brought into my life. That is the biggest gift, our choice.
It is in that space of goodbye and letting go that big beautiful things are happening. I’m not sure yet how everything will end up and I don’t want to know the ending, I am along for the journey with total trust and faith and full confidence that everything will work out exactly as it should. All my life that has been the case. Even when I thought I made “huge mistakes” and reached depths of darkness I never knew existed, it was really just a new beginning where pain became my teacher and the “mistake” was really all about love, forgiveness and deservingness. This time is no different. There are few times in life of “in-between” and as I take this step to fall into the space of transition, of open-endedness, I feel nothing but excitement and hope and promise and gratitude for my beautiful life and our beautiful home and the beautiful people that make it so.
Here is to new beginnings, friends. Thank you for following the journey.