I was in a 5 year relationship with someone I deeply cared for. Our last year, things shifted. We grew distant. Our interests no longer aligned. The same conversations about change with nothing to come of it. Resentments grew as we found ourselves in routine and resignation.
My heart began to whisper, “𝘐𝘵’𝘴 𝘵𝘪𝘮𝘦. 𝘠𝘰𝘶 𝘮𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘣𝘦𝘭𝘰𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘰 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳𝘴𝘦𝘭𝘧 𝘧𝘪𝘳𝘴𝘵.” I was terrified. Was it a phase? Would I be making a huge mistake? The thought of a breaking up was shattering. We lived together, shared friends, years of memories. We’d talked about the future, and yet, we wanted different things. My world felt small. And when I wanted it to expand, to write a book about my divorce and healing, the past felt off-limits. It became clear that my relationship wasn’t a container for healing, maybe because I hadn’t yet learned to hold that space for myself. I was scared and confused and didn’t trust myself to make the right decision. I wanted to be sure. I sought out life coaches, card readers, psychics and spiritual advice. I tried tapping and meditation and prayer. It wasn’t until I went to see a Shaman that clarity arrived.
She asked, “𝘐𝘧 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘩𝘢𝘥 𝘢 𝘥𝘢𝘶𝘨𝘩𝘵𝘦𝘳 𝘪𝘯 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘱𝘰𝘴𝘪𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯, 𝘸𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘸𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘸𝘢𝘯𝘵 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘩𝘦𝘳?”
Just like that everything changed.
𝗜 𝘄𝗼𝘂𝗹𝗱 𝘄𝗮𝗻𝘁 𝗺𝘆 𝗱𝗮𝘂𝗴𝗵𝘁𝗲𝗿 𝘁𝗼 𝗳𝗼𝗹𝗹𝗼𝘄 𝗵𝗲𝗿 𝗵𝗲𝗮𝗿𝘁, 𝗿𝗲𝗴𝗮𝗿𝗱𝗹𝗲𝘀𝘀 𝗼𝗳 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗰𝗼𝘀𝘁, 𝘄𝗵𝗲𝗿𝗲𝘃𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘁 𝗹𝗲𝗱 𝗵𝗲𝗿. 𝗘𝘃𝗲𝗻 𝗶𝗳 𝗶𝘁 𝗺𝗲𝗮𝗻𝘁 𝘄𝗼𝘂𝗻𝗱𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗮𝗻𝗼𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗿 𝘁𝗼 𝗯𝗲 𝘁𝗿𝘂𝗲 𝘁𝗼 𝗵𝗲𝗿𝘀𝗲𝗹𝗳.
I was grateful for the clarity, but terrified of what it meant. Ending that relationship took longer than it should. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, but I wasn’t honoring him by staying. He deserved better. I deserved to belong to myself first 𝙖𝙣𝙙 to be in a relationship that could hold space for my healing.
Sometimes painful endings are beautiful beginnings. Sometimes heartbreak is actually a homecoming. Sometimes we have to ask what we would want for the ones we love to discover what we also deserve. Sometimes we have to follow our hearts, wherever they lead, regardless of the cost.
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