I Can Hold Space For This Now

I’m not sure what caused it but I looked at our wedding photos the other night. It was late and I was alone. I’m not sure what caused it but I thought of you and couldn’t find you anywhere. So I looked back. Back to 7 years ago when it all began. I wondered if it would be triggering, what I would feel and to my surprise I felt nothing. It was as if I were observing, for the first time since everything – peering in through the window of my life, watching from afar.

I looked at me – my face, my eyes, my hair, my smile, how beautiful I looked, the dress I loved and looking at that girl I thought – how perfect you are. I had so much tenderness for her, so much compassion for the things she would feel, for the experiences she would have through being married to you. Even if I could have held her sweet, hopeful face and tell her what I know now it wouldn’t change a thing.  The heartbreak she’ll endure to learn what she needs to learn and become who she was meant to become. She made her decisions and the rest was the rest.  She had to find her way.  I can hold space for that now.

What’s more I was struck by you. I’ve spent so many years trying to put you out of my mind, overcoming so much anger. I  forgot how you looked – how attracted I was to you – I forgot what a beautiful couple we made. As I peered through this window into my life, I couldn’t get over how happy we looked. The joy and love between us was so evident. Precious moments we shared. In my heart and in those moments I promised you forever and I meant it. I honestly feel and believe that at the time you meant it too. But the universe had other plans and our souls had made a different kind of agreement.  I can hold space for that now.

All the things I now know, I wouldn’t trade for those moments back then. It was necessary to love you. It was my choice. And I took it all, the broken vows, the pain, the betrayal, the unimaginable suffering – the darkest night I hope to ever know. I took it all and I would do it again to find my way back to me. You taught me so much. About love, about what I deserve, about my own strength, my capacity to forgive, to hold, to grow. I wouldn’t be here, where I am, who I am without you. In the end, you actually gave me the most beautiful gift of all.  I can hold space for that now.

I want to say, from my heart to yours – wherever you are, whoever you are, wherever life has taken you – may you blessed, may you find peace and may you find love. I still think about you and believe that healing goes beyond a lifetime. But if I could hold your strong, persistent face and tell you what I know now it wouldn’t change a thing.  Thank you from the depths of my soul for loving me. Thank you for breaking my heart. Thank you for helping me find my own truth and freedom by being set free.  I can hold space for all of this now.